There’s nothing fun about a quarter-life crisis. You feel lost and confused about every aspect of your life: your career, your friendships, your dating life, and even the hobbies you used to love. Your life feels lackluster, and it seems like your friends, family, coworkers, people you swipe past on dating apps and acquaintances that still pop up on your Facebook feed have it all together when you’re in limbo.
You’ve been so busy “keeping up with the Joneses” (and the Kardashians) that you’ve forgotten to focus on what would make you happy and how to make it happen. “This is where I see most twenty-somethings get tripped up. They feel this pull to create a life that they ‘think’ they should have, instead of creating a life that feels authentic to them,” says Tess Brigham, a San Francisco-based psychotherapist and “20-something life coach.” Okay, we know that it’s easier said than done, so I asked experts for tips on spotting and—more importantly—overcoming a quarter-life crisis.
How to know you’re in a crisis mode:
You have “should syndrome”:
One of the major symptoms of a quarter-life crisis is “should syndrome.” You are so busy thinking about what you “should” do or “should” want that you’re not thinking about what you want. “You find yourself ‘shoulding’ all over your life. You can only think in terms of what your 20s should look like and feel like you failed in some way because your life doesn’t measure up to the fantasy you had in your head about adulthood,” says Brigham.
You have “comparisonitis:”
Your friend just got engaged, your boyfriend just got promoted, and your sister just landed her “dream” job. You are happy for them, really you are, but you can’t help feeling a bit of “I’m-so-happy-for-them-but-why-can’t-that-happen-for-me.”
You compare yourself to people you are close to and also every single person you follow on social media. “This leads to feelings of envy and worry that you have basically failed at life while everyone else seemingly has no hardships,” says Dana Case, director of operations at the California-based resource for entrepreneurs, MyCorporation. Everyone feels envious sometimes, but if you are in a constant state of jealousy, it’s a sign that you aren’t happy with your life.
You are in a meh state of mind:
You know when there are so many choices on Netflix that you can’t choose? You feel apathetic and none of the decisions feel good enough. That same feeling can apply to your life, but the stakes are much higher than watching something new or watching “Legally Blonde” for the thousandth time. “You don’t feel inspired or excited to do much of anything and while you’re not happy at work, there is nothing else you want to do that’s calling you, so you remain stuck and frustrated with life,” says Brigham.
How to get out of a quarter-life crisis:
Marie Kondo your life:
It ends up that what helps you organize your junk drawer and your overstuffed dresser can help you get through your quarter-life crisis. Take a tip from Marie Kondo and figure out what “Sparks Joy.” Like how Marie Kondo says to focus on one item at a time, Brigham suggests focusing on one area of your life at a time. Make pro and con lists and ask yourself tough questions or brainstorm what makes you happy and what makes you stressed or sad. “Once you have a clearer idea of what brings you joy and what drains your energy, use these new insights to start to take action,” says Brigham.
Stop comparing yourself to strangers on the internet:
Social media is a highlight reel. You are seeing the best moments of someone’s life, not the times they broke up with the person they thought was “the one” or took their “dream” job just to realize that, as Taylor Swift would say, it was a “nightmare dressed as a daydream.”
“It’s our perpetual ‘first date, job interview, dinner with the future in-laws’ selves. Social media is not real life,” reminds Brigham. Take a social media detox or at least limit the amount of time you mindlessly scroll through social media, she says. Use that time to focus on your own life not that of strangers or that guy you took chemistry with—and had chemistry with—in college but haven’t talked to in years.
Phone a friend:
When you are going through a tough time, don’t try to handle everything on your own. “Overcoming usually requires some outside support because an external source helps you get out of your own head, provides objective feedback, and can hold you accountable. This can be a friend, a parent, a life coach, or a therapist,” says Erika Martinez, a Miami-based psychologist. If you think you may have depression or anxiety, she recommends seeing a therapist who can help you feel better.
Ban the “coulda shoulda woulda”:
It’s hard not to fall into the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” spiral. Instead of thinking of what you “should” do or “should’ve” done differently in the past, tune out the noise and tune in. “Stop thinking in terms of what you think your 20s should look like and start thinking about what you need to do today to create more meaning in your life and what will guide you to a more hopeful future,” says Brigham. Ask yourself what you would do or want if other people’s expectations didn’t matter, she says. “We make so many choices based on what we fear other people are thinking. So when you start shoulding all over yourself you need to remember this is your life and you’re the only one who has to live it — so what is it that you, and only you, want to do,” Brigham says.
