You’re scrolling through Instagram when you see your favorite fitness influencer posing with her gorgeous husband at their new house in the Hamptons. You keep scrolling and see your friend and her new husband on their honeymoon. Then you see another friend just got promoted and is in Paris for work. For a split second (okay, maybe more than that), you wonder why you just got ghosted, can’t afford to buy a place, and feel like your boss is always critical.
Then you get together with a friend for brunch and she tells you all about her new boyfriend and major raise over iced coffee and pancakes. And you’re happy for her — really, you are — but part of you wishes you were dating someone and making more money.
It’s hard not to compare yourself to your friends or the people you follow online. According to social comparison theory, we determine our self-worth based on how we compare ourselves to other people. The problem is that you’re never going to be “the best” at everything, and comparing yourself too much can be detrimental. Luckily, it’s possible to decrease the amount you compare yourself to other people — even in the age of TikTok and Instagram — and use some comparison as motivation.
Focus on being your best self
Hone in on your own success, not where you stack up against people in your Instagram feed or friend group.
“Instead of focusing on what you struggle with and what someone else might do better than you, focus on and celebrate your strengths,” says Aimee Barr, LCSW, a Brooklyn-based psychotherapist. “We can accept ourselves and also strive to grow and be better versions of ourselves.”
Barr also advises celebrating your strengths and accomplishments and surrounding yourself with people who love and support you.
Identify your triggers and iterate
Track what triggers you to compare yourself to other people, Barr says.
“The first step in changing anything is awareness that it’s a problem. Most of the time, we engage in social comparison without even being aware that we are doing it,” she says.
If social media is the main culprit, she recommends curbing your social media use by limiting the amount of time you spend on social media each day. Do yourself a favor and mute or unfollow people who consistently trigger you to feel bad about yourself.
Reframe your mindset
“In order to get out of one heightened emotional state, we often have to be thrown into another one,” says Barr. “Excitement is a great distraction from envy, jealousy, or frustration.”
Remember that social media is a highlight reel. You’re not seeing all the mistakes, stress, and mishaps behind the scenes.
Let it motivate you
Comparison doesn’t always have to be draining. You can use it to identify goals you’d like to achieve.
“Find out what it is about them that you want to have for yourself. If it is realistic, then set a goal for yourself and stick to achieving it,” says Courtney Glashow, LCSW, a Jersey City-based psychotherapist and owner of Anchor Therapy.
“When you feel down after comparing yourself to someone, reach out to them and ask how they got where they are and if they have any tips for you,” says Elizabeth Cohen, PhD, a New York City-based clinical psychologist. “If you try this strategy, comparing yourself to others can actually lead to growth, change, and knowledge.”