When I stopped being friends with one of my former best friends, it was worse than a romantic breakup. When a romantic relationship starts, you know it could end, but I didn’t expect a friendship to fade or fall apart. There’s an expected level of permanence — the phrase is Best Friends Forever, not Best Friends Forever-ish. Our memories, experiences, friendships, and Netflix accounts were intertwined. When I look through photos of my first few years in New York City, she’s in almost all of them. We had gotten through many of the stages of a relationship: the first dates where you really hope they like you too, sleepovers, saying “I love you,” and meeting the parents. I knew I could count on her as a confidant and someone to put down as an emergency contact — until I couldn’t.
We didn’t get into a fight. There wasn’t a teary conversation, a ‘conscious uncoupling,’ or really even closure. In that way, it was probably as anticlimactic as the end of a close friendship can be. So what happened? There were a lot of small signs that we viewed friendship differently and that the friendship wasn’t as close as I had thought.
Some friendships are simply based on enjoying spending time together. You can have inside jokes that no one else finds funny, go out for long dinners until the restaurant closes, have someone to text your totally random thoughts to, have movie nights with, or explore a new city. And that’s all great — but there’s a line between a close friendship and one that’s fun but surface-level. I’ve found that trust is the main differentiating factor. Without it, a strong friendship’s foundation erodes and an emotional wall is built.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of reasons trust can fade. Maybe you hear them say mean or untrue things about other friends and you know they likely say the same about you, they say hurtful things because they know you well enough to know what will hurt the most, or those private things you shared in confidence weren’t kept confidential.
If you’re going to have a breakup conversation, schedule time for an in-person conversation in a private place, says Amina Shea Tinsley, a New York-based psychotherapist. (If you’re not in the same city, you can do it over the phone, but don’t send a breakup text, please.) Write down what you want to say in advance — you don’t have to stick to the script, but it is helpful to prepare before a tough conversation. Include the benefits of the breakup and avoid blaming your friend.
“Remain civil during the breakup discussion. Explosive anger and shouting matches will make you appear unstable and make it easier for your friend to dismiss your concerns as irrational,” says Tinsley. “You want to appear thoughtful and calm so you present yourself as an ally who wants the best for your friend.”
Listen to their side and have a compassionate conversation instead of a soliloquy.
You could have dozens of surface-level friendships — and it’s likely you did in high school and college — but close friendships are harder to come by and much more valuable. They are the people you know will always be there for you — no matter the severity of the situation or the time of day. It may sound like something from a Hallmark card, but they elevate you, energize you, and encourage you to be the best version of yourself — and you do the same for them.
They are the first people you text or call to share good news, bad news, or just random updates from your day-to-day life. (Like that disastrous — but kind of comical — first date you went on.) They know what to say to cheer you up and when to share advice or just listen.
It’s incredibly sad when a friendship ends or changes. You care about the person and miss them.
“Give yourself the freedom to process, grieve, and heal just as you would a romantic relationship,” says Melanie Ross Mills, a Texas-based therapist and author of The Friendship Bond: Creating Bonds That Last.
It’s inevitable that you are going to miss the person and think about them often, especially at first. You may think of them when you pass that restaurant you always used to go to, see something you know they’d love, or wonder what their advice would be for something you’re going through. When that happens and you really want to pick up the phone to call or text, remind yourself why things ended, says Mills.
Stay busy and surround yourself with your close friends. Focus on strengthening those relationships and being a thoughtful and supportive friend.
When a romantic relationship ends, you open yourself up to finding a relationship that’s better for both of you. It’s the same thing for friendship.
“You’ll see what friends are brought into your life because you have not only opened up your heart space for the next friendship, but you’ve also recognized that there’s a big difference between the fun, ‘good time’ friend versus the purposeful, trustworthy friend,” says Mills.
When you’re feeling sad, think about the positive things about your friendship. The ending doesn’t erase the good memories, and you’ve learned about the type of friendships you want to cultivate and the type of friend you want to be.
I slowly remembered the memories and felt happy about the friendship we had instead of only being sad about how it ended. In the case of romantic relationships and friendships, time (and Ben & Jerry’s) cures a broken heart.