“No rude friends, naw, we don’t feel that.” I hope you read that to the tune of Drake’s “Started From the Bottom,” when he starts talking about friends. I’m definitely open to the possibility of new friends, especially the kind that support you, motivate you, and inspire you. If you have toxic relationships — the ones that bring you down with their words and actions— you should question why they’re still in your life.
By Reese Evans
In so many of my recent conversations with my close friends, the topic of toxic people and bad friends have come up a lot. I know that I’m not the only one who has had to deal with unsupportive people in my life.
Always remember that you are a reflection of the people you spend the most time with. You take on their qualities and their mannerisms, so if you’re not careful, you may be picking up qualities that you hate without knowing it.
Identify Toxic Relationships:
Toxic people are the ones that have a lot to say about what everyone else is doing…but don’t do much themselves. They’re the ones who don’t understand why you are making positive changes in your life and try and talk you out of it. They’re the ones who bring awareness to “flaws” that you weren’t even aware of and make you self conscious of them.
Do you have a friend who you know is always honest? There’s a line that people you look to for advice can cross. If we don’t watch our own thoughts, and actively practice having a positive mindset, then a majority of our thoughts can be negative.
This opinionated toxic friend can feed into those negative underlying thoughts and insecurities and make them seem so much more exaggerated than they are. Do you have a friend that constantly makes plans with you and then bails? Although things in life do come up, if you have someone who is consistently bailing plans and parties that are important to you, it means they are not prioritizing your friendship. Although you don’t have to see your friends every week, or every month for that matter, you should also be aware of people who don’t respect your time. This can give you feelings of inadequacy, feeling like you’re not worth their time, and it can make you miss out on making plans that you could enjoy.
Are you in a relationship with someone who is constantly poking fun at you? Although a joke once in a while is normal, if their words or actions are affecting your emotions, and making you sad, they’re toxic. No matter how long you’ve been together, that’s not love. They should be on your team, doing everything that they can to make you feel as great as you truly are.
A good rule of thumb is to do a check-in after you have spent time with someone. Did they make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Did you feel like you could speak honestly with them about what was on your mind? Did they shoot down your ideas or plans?
Be Honest:
I’m big on communication. Whether it’s at work, with your partner, or with your BFF, I think sharing how you honestly feel, and seeing the response, is the best way to heal wounded relationships and make things better.
It’s important to keep in mind that everyone is different and comes from different backgrounds. So as obvious as it seems to you, they might not realize that the things they are doing or saying are hurting you if you haven’t been vocal before.
If the person in your life you feel is worth keeping, have an honest in-person conversation about how they are making you feel. The best relationships work with compromise. If they seem willing to change and take action quickly, you can decide if you’ll keep them in your life. Sadly, a lot of the time, people won’t or can’t change. If they are affecting your emotions or your standard of life negatively, it might be time to end the relationship.
Too many times we keep people in our lives that are really doing us no good. Women especially fall into the trap of being people-pleasers, but truly toxic people will use you up until you don’t have any more to give, and then forget about you when you need help because they are self-centered. They will over promise and under deliver, always.
Be Independent:
There was time in my life where I felt very alone. I didn’t feel connected to my old friends. They were the ones that didn’t understand why I wanted to anything other than get drunk on the weekends. They were the ones who didn’t understand why I had goals above and beyond marrying rich. They were the ones who made me feel worse off after I spent time with them.
During this time, instead of spending time in scenarios that made me feel worse, I spent the time alone. I gained clarity on the type of person I wanted to become, started to take more courses in my personal time, worked on my personal development, and took on my passion project.
Through my passion project, I’ve become the truest version of myself, not one who followed around what everyone else was doing. Now I’m the one who says and does exactly what I want and isn’t afraid to speak up.
Find Your Tribe:
I connected to people who are motivated and crush their goals, and I’ve never been so happy about the people I spend my free time with. I know it can be hard to start fresh. The older we get, the harder it can be to make strong bonds. However, it’s important to be open to new relationships, because some of the older ones may be stuck in the past with no intention of changing. As the famous saying says, “Your vibe attracts your tribe.”
Think about the type of person you want to be: your career, your hobbies, your lifestyle, your weekend activities. The best way to integrate into the life you want is to start acting like the person you want to be and going to the places that people like that hang out.
If you want to be more creative, you can often find meet-ups, or events in your city at museums, or art galleries that are great places to network. When I joined an evening class in digital media skills a few years ago, I met people there that were motivated to start a new career, just as I was starting mine.
If there’s someone in your city who is doing something you admire, like running a blog you adore or started a cool business, don’t be afraid to reach out and grab a cup of coffee with them.
It’s better to have a small circle of people who love and support you than a big circle of people who bring you down. When it comes to the people in your life, you should always choose quality over quantity.
How do you identify and deal with toxic relationships?
Reese Evans the founder of Yes Supply Co. Image via Style Me Pretty.
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