Ask This Question for a More Insightful Conversation

I was in the bathroom during a friend’s birthday party. It was one of those bathroom trips where you go to linger. The truth was, I stayed in there to avoid that question: “What do you do?” At the time, I was doing freelance work in digital media for a TV personality in DC. I didn’t live in DC, he was a relationship coach, and it all seemed like too much to explain to someone who wasn’t familiar with the industry.

I was envious of my friends with easy answers like an engineer or medical school student because there was a universal understanding of what people in those professions did. I loathed explaining my work to people who were asking more out of politeness than interest. And ultimately, I saw it as a transition job, which was a weird thing to share, so I rarely did.

The one commonality I came to realize among the easy-to-explain and hard-to-explain job descriptions was one thing: Boring, limiting answers often tell you little to nothing about the person other than where they went to spend their day. This question was sometimes alienating or uncomfortable (especially for my unemployed friends) and almost never told me what was unique or interesting about the person.

It honestly made me frustrated because I have teacher friends who are SNL-level hilarious. I have accountant friends who should be running the UN with the amount of knowledge and passion they have about world affairs. I have law school student friends who have very specific interests about the kind of law they are studying, which says something wonderful about the type of person they are. That’s what I want to hear about and never could seem to get to in a conversation.

So why aren’t we asking the questions that tell us interesting things about people? I couldn’t seem to find the answer, so I settled for the consolation prize of trying to avoid it…until I heard Meg Jay’s TED talk.

Dr. Jay talks about the concept of identity capital, the things we do or skills we build that, over time, create who we are. These could be items on a resume, like a teaching certification or a degree, but they can also be skills like glassblowing or writing a blog about a topic you enjoy. These are things you choose because of your interests, and they say something about the type of person you are.

After watching this talk, I had a new mission: Find a way to ask people about their identity capital. The solution was simple. In fact, I simply added two words in the question I so dreaded.

Now instead of asking, “What do you do?” I would ask, “What do you like to do?”

The question was normal enough to not solicit a head tilt but open enough to give the person an opportunity to answer with a piece of identity capital they wanted to discuss.

So next time you’re making small talk, ask a question that inspires passion, not predictability.

Kate Gremillion is the founder of Mavenly + Co, a community of young women having honest conversations about college, career, and life and helping them create a lifestyle by their own design.