When I was a little girl, I was fearless. Whether playing basketball on the street, speaking my mind, or wearing whatever I deemed fashionable, I felt invincible. Yet, as I grew older, my fearlessness was soon tested by teachers, peers, adults, and colleagues alike. Something happens to all women, a unifying force that challenges our confidence more and more. Whether by our looks, intelligence, skills, or opinions, without invitation, we are unanimously challenged. While heartbreaking, we are not nearly as surprised as we should be. Reports from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology discovered that no matter the country or culture, men have higher self-esteem compared to women. Yet, confidence affects life in every way. Case in point, promotions and negotiations – our money and independence. According to studies, women will not seek promotions or jobs unless they think they meet or exceed all of the qualifications. Men, on the other hand, will apply if the meet 60 percent of qualifications. Linda Babock, author of Women Don’t Ask, found that men initiate salary negotiations four times more often than women. And even when women ask, they ask for 30% less than men. The list of examples goes on and on. So what do we do about the confidence gap?
As Katty Kay and Claire Shipman point out in The Confidence Code, in general, men tend to think more highly of themselves than women. Kay and Shipman write that most “men go into everything just assuming that they’re awesome and thinking, ‘Who wouldn’t want me?’” They also found that most men spend less time thinking about the possible consequences of failure than women.
What makes the confidence gap so dangerous is that confidence does not only apply to our careers and how much money we make. Think about it: Feelings of assurance and fortitude shape us as humanbeings through recurring actions and habits. How we interact with one another, build each other up, chase our dreams, feel comfortable in our bodies, how we take care of ourselves – all qualities are dependent on our confidence. “The natural result of low confidence is inaction,” Kay and Shipman share. “When women hesitate because we aren’t sure, we hold ourselves back. But when we do act, even if it’s because we’re forced to, we perform just as well as men do.” And this, is what women need to remember – sometimes the reason we’re not winning is because we haven’t even signed up for the race.
So how can we overcome the confidence gap? Try some these of the tactics:
1. Stop Upspeak:
Turning thoughts from ideas into questions happens as a response to fear of rejection. Just like in writing, it is important to lose any hint of a questioning tone. You would never include in an essay what you “think,” you will simply state what you believe. Think about the difference between, “The new option is best.” And “The new option is best?” The better we become at expressing our beliefs, regardless of others’ approval, the more confident we’ll sound.
2. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone:
We all know where our comfort zone is – now get out of it! Women are more likely to stay in careers they are unhappy with longer, in fear of the unknown. Understandable, but helpful? Definitely not. For me, networking events were always a bit scary, and definitely outside of my comfort zone, yet I always force myself to attend. Because the more I go, the more comfortable I feel and I end up feeling more confident than when I first walked in. To take risks you need to be confident that you can succeed. If you never leave your box, you will never be forced to utilize your belief that you can leave your safety net and accomplish something great.
3. Minimize Overthinking:
The problem with overthinking is that it is directly correlated with having less confidence and less grit. The more we overthink, the more likely we to not take any action at all. Although it’s difficult, the faster we address and make decisions, the more assertive and powerful we will feel in our own choices. (We’ll also save a lot of mental energy.) Don’t make impulsive, thoughtless decisions, but work on making faster decisions instead of overthinking them again and again…and again.
4. Fail More:
I’ve let my perfectionism get in the way of accomplishing my work, essentially delaying my dreams. Our perfectionism, a popular trait among women, is a huge killer of confidence.
As Katty Kay and Claire Shipman relent, “We don’t answer questions until we are totally sure of the answer, we don’t submit a report until we’ve edited it nauseam, and we don’t sign up for that triathlon unless we know we are faster and fitter than [what] is required. We watch our male colleagues take risks, while we hold back until we’re sure we are perfectly ready and perfectly qualified.”
Similarly to a terrible date, once we experience our fears, failures, and rejections – they make us stronger and more willing to take on something new. I used to be fearful of submitting my writing without having it looked over by multiple people, until I finally took the perfectionism down a notch and believed in my own editing skills.
5. Let It Go:
Like the song, letting it go is something women need to do more often. I’m not only talking about letting go of fears, inhibitions, and overthinking, but also everything we’re holding onto that’s keeping us from growing and evolving. We also tend to care way too much what other people think. It inhibits us, making us feel weighed down and exhausted. It is amazing to see what work and challenges you are capable of handling without anything holding you back! Reflect on what you could accomplish without fear, doubt, or a single negative voice whispering in your ear.
Building confidence will mean different things for all of us. Sure, it won’t happen overnight, but like any new habits, we can slowly build up our confidence and overcome the confidence gap. And, in doing so, we can inspire other people to do the same.
What makes you feel more confident? How do you overcome the confidence gap?
Eve Stern for Her Agenda. Eve Stern is a 25 year old writer based in New York City. With a BA in Black Studies and Sociology, and a MA in Urban Affairs she can be found buried in a Sunday New York Times, arguing over who is the next best rapper, or incessantly writing down new ways to change the world. For more of her work you can check here and for a few good laughs follow her on Twitter: @evestern_.
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